A humble post

 

I had a beautiful post about humility almost finished and ready to post a couple weeks ago. Unfortunately it had a flaw: it was beautiful. It was poetic. But in the moment that humility is needed, nothing about it is beautiful or poetic. It’s raw. It’s ugly. Often it hurts. It means admitting that the things I like the least about myself exist, and allowing them to be visible. At least that’s been my experience of humility.

And I’m stuck here. I’ve been sitting looking humility in the eye for months now, sometimes choosing it, sometimes not, but always staring right at it. The Bible has so many good things to say about it. Humility is a doorway to grace. That sounds great. Humility is the fastest way to look like Jesus. Wow, that sounds beautiful. Humility makes space and basically invites God into your circumstances and life. I think most of us would say that sounds like a great deal.

And yet.

And yet that one word is so hard for me to grasp. It means laying down my rights and my opinions. It means looking for spaces to serve even when I feel spent, or looking for places to rest at Jesus’ feet when I know that today is the day the servants are going to be honored publicly. It means placing so much value on people around me that it almost tangibly hurts, but not taking on that burden because I know it isn’t mine to bear.

Whew, this thing called humility. It’s complicated, right? But it’s so very simple. Look for Jesus. He was a servant to all. He poured out his life even to the point of the ugliest death imaginable in his day. He loved even when faced with betrayal and judgments. When I find Jesus and do the things He did and the things He is doing, I will naturally be in a place of humility.  So that’s what I’m trying to do. And some days it hurts. And some days it is so ugly. And most days I fall oh so short of humility as the flesh flares up and tries to convince me to let it have a shot. But that doorway to grace is undeniable and I couldn’t live without Gods grace every moment of every day.

So if you’ve never tried it, sit a while with humility, see what you can glean from its wisdom. And if you have already learned from humility please share your experience, because if there's anything that humility has taught me, it is that I have so much more to learn from others.

Favorite Names

 Today, during noontime prayer, Tullio asked us to take a moment to pray and praise the names of God.  I couldn't help but think on my favorite name for God: El Roi - the God who sees [me].  You see I'm a fairly low maintenance person.  I also don't like the spotlight.  So between the two things of me not needing a lot of attention and me not wanting a lot of attention, sometimes it can feel like I'm downright invisible.  Don't get me wrong, some days being practically invisible has its perks.  But some days feeling invisible is gut wrenching.  And in the middle of the pandemic, when I'm not even physically visible to most of the world, it can be hard to not feel invisible.  

But, El Roi.  God sees me.  He sees the days I'm struggling and no one knows.  He sees the days that I draw up all of my courage to whisper a request of someone and I'm passed over because my ask isn't loud enough and the person expects me to be self-sufficient, because normally I am.  He sees the days my heart is breaking for seemingly no reason.  And what I love most about El Roi is that he doesn't just see me and move on.  He sees me and He sits with me there in the discomfort and pain.  Some days we just sit, because this world is hard and things happen that aren't all that God would have wanted for us because sin has tainted the world.  Some days He tells me "Talitha cumi" - "Little girl, get up!" and He takes me by the hand and resurrects a place in my heart that I thought had been killed by the ugliness of sin and death in this world.  Some days He tells me it's time to move on, to forgive someone who has hurt me or to let go of a sin that was bringing me comfort.  And some days He is the Redeemer and He takes that hurt or sadness and He flips it on its head like He flipped the tables in the temple to bring beauty from ashes and a garment of praise for heaviness.  

You see El Roi doesn't just stop at seeing, He sees and He acts.  And that is why El Roi will always be one of my favorite names.  If you've read this far, please share your favorite name of God...and why! :) 

New Year, New Language

Is anyone else like me and already need a refresh on your New Years goals? (I don't really do resolutions).  One of my biggest goals this year was to remove lack language from my vocabulary.

What is lack language? It's those tiny but insidious phrases that sneak their way past our brains through our lips and bind deficiency to our lives.  Simple phrases like: "There aren't enough hours in the day," or "I didn't sleep enough last night," or "I need more time, sleep, energy, friends, caffeine, etc." or "if I only had xyz I could finally do the thing I want or the thing you're asking of me".  In small quantities these phrases seem innocuous but in large enough doses the effect is quick and deadly.  I can see it in my own life.  Places where I constantly confess the lack I experience never get better, the insufficiency only seems to grow.  And in a year where I have a toddler and a newborn, it is easier than ever to speak, and believe, the lack but also deadly than ever to do so.

Maybe you deal with that feeling of scarcity better than I do.  But I usually respond to it by grabbing on for dear life to anything that I think could quell the shrinking of what I perceive to be my limited supply of that need, be it sleep, energy, time, what have you. So this year I'm trying something new.  I'm calling it the tongue of trust.  Instead of confessing what I lack, I'm trying to speak what I have in the Lord.  And lucky for me, there's a plethora of Scriptures available for just such occasions.  Here are just a few that speak to me when I'm feeling drained, in short supply, weary, powerless, or otherwise lacking.

His divine power has granted to us EVERYTHING pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. - 2 Peter 1:3 (emphasis added)

Not that I am speaking from being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. -Philippians 4:11, 13

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:19

The young lions suffer want and hunger, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. - Psalm 34"10

For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things. - Psalm 107:9

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. - 2 Corinthians 9:8

~

So today I'm going to try to get back into my goal and choose to speak life.  Because I may not have everything I want (like 8 hours of sleep, can you see a theme here?), but by the grace of God, I have all that I need.

Prepositions

Today's blog has a little something in it for the English lovers among us.  I recall as a middle schooler learning how to diagram sentences.  Now I can't tell you what gets underlined and what gets a box around it or anything like that, but I can remember that I was taught to strike through prepositional phrases.  Those are the phrases that come after words like after, among, beside, above, etc.  And I can't say for sure that this is what I was actually taught, but what I remember is that we strike through them because they are not critical to the core of the sentence.  That idea never really made sense to me.  And today I'm thinking of two sentences that change profoundly as you change the prepositional phrase at the end: "God saves us through this trial" or "God saves us from this trial".

You see, when I was young, I always thought God was in heaven to save us from trials.  Look at the Israelites in Egypt.  God heard their cry for help.  He sent Moses.  He saved them out of slavery to the Egyptians and out of their cruel labors into a land flowing with milk and honey (whatever that means).  And with that perspective, I looked for God to save me from trials.  Hard relationships, God will take me out of it.  Sickness, clearly healing is the answer.  Everything hard or ugly was to be removed because God saves us from trials.

As I've gotten older, my perspective has shifted toward the God saves us through trials lens.  Look at Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  God didn't take them out of the fiery furnace, but Jesus got up in that furnace with them until the king ordered them to be taken out.  Look at Paul.  Three times he pleaded with the Lord to take away the thorn in his flesh (again, whatever that means), but God told him that His grace was sufficient and that He would use that pain and weakness to bring His power and glory on the earth.  So with that perspective, I stopped waiting for God to take me out of trials and started looking for how God was shifting me through the trial.  Hard relationship, what can I do better?  Sickness, how can I learn to be content in this?  Everything hard or ugly was sticking around because that's how God was shaping my character.

In the last few days though I've started to think that maybe the answer isn't one perspective or the other.  It's more situational.  If I'm in a God saves us from situation, a God saves us through mentality will make me hopeless.  If I'm in a God saves us through situation, a God saves us from mentality will keep me from seeing what God is trying to teach me.  So then in every situation, there is a directive to pray to find which perspective is going to bring life in that moment.  Or perhaps the more simple answer is to just focus on God and know that whether He saves from or through, He's going to save and all things will work out for our good because that is His promise.  Hmmm I guess that strike through method works after all.  God saves through trials.  God saves from trials.  God saves.

Legacy

I've been thinking about these beautiful people a lot lately.  It's hard to imagine that they've both been on the other side of heaven for over 10 years now.  I still think about them often.  I wonder what they would think of the person I've become.  I wonder if they would be proud. 

Donald and Fannie won't be found in any history book for Donald's long years working at Mars or Fannie's skill at raising four daughters in the tumultuous 60's, 70's and 80's.  But we, their family, can't forget them.  For the first time in my life, I questioned the exact reason why it is that I am so inspired by them.  The world's standards certainly wouldn't place them on the list of the 10 most inspirational people of the 20th Century, but I would.  I believe it is because they demonstrated a life well lived.  These strong people lived what they believed, every day.  Sure they made mistakes, as all people do.  But the evidence of their faithfulness is demonstrated in the four courageous daughters they raised and the seventeen grandchildren their daughters raised in turn.  

I often find myself striving toward some great feat, a project, or a movement, in the hopes that by doing this I will change the world.  I admit, I sometimes look at my life and wonder what I am doing, that I must be wasting the potential within.  But then I thought about Donald and Fannie.  They never accomplished one "great" task but not a single fiber of my being thinks they missed their potential.  In fact, I do think that they were world changers.  I am constantly inspired by their faithfulness in the every day.  I often wonder how much world missions were affected by the time they spent on their knees and the sacrificial giving they poured out.  They loved with everything they had, they gave more than they had to spare, and they lived with integrity throughout their lives.  If this is a life to be inspired by, then perhaps my goals have been wrong.  Perhaps the goal is not a great feat or movement, perhaps instead the greatest life is the one lived faithfully in the small moments, it is the life that moves with the leading of the Holy Spirit, not the trend of the day.  

(baby Rose here)

And that brings me to these beautiful people right here.  If I take stock of who I am as an individual, what most people would call my personality, much of it traces to these wonderful people.  That efficiency, mind for processes, and love of the outdoors - that was passed down from them.  They raised five incredible children, who in turn had thirteen children themselves.  In each of us, the grandchildren, you can catch a picture of what Erhard and Nancy look like.  We have a thirst for adventure.  We have a heart for service.  We yearn to change the world.  Erhard was and Nancy is one of the strongest people I've ever met.  Their lives were not always easy, but they too knew the power of being faithful in the small things, in persevering especially when obstacles came up in their way, in loving with their whole hearts throughout their whole lives.  They also taught us that in the game of life there are no "gimme's", but that victory is the sweetest when you've truly earned it.

I could go on and on about the people that have written the legacy that I have the privilege of walking in, but I should stop, for now.  Instead, think of the beautiful legacy that you have received from those that came before you.  What's your favorite piece?  What has that taught you about living your best life?

The Sound of Silence

There is a roar rising up in my belly.  There is a movement stirring up in my bones.  It's coming out when I least expect it.  It feels like I'm coming to life again.  I have been known and have known myself to be a quiet, non-charismatic type of person.  But I'm finding it difficult to still the roar within.  The roar began unexpectedly though.  It didn't start with me seeking a shout.  It started when I sought silence.  And in the silence I've heard a sound that I cannot forsake.

Silence seems so innocuous, so inconsequential.  But there is a deep power in it.  Scripture says, "Be still and know that I am God", in the silence is the knowing.  In the silence a deep faith rises.  One that says, I can let go of my sense of control, I can let go of my need to do, I will trust that God is on the throne.  Scripture also says, "In repentance and rest will you be saved, in quietness and trust will be your strength".  I knew all of this, but last year when I was reading a book (Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero, I can't over-recommend this book) it came to life for me.  The author suggests to begin practicing silence daily by setting a short timer for before and after your devotional.  I started with a two minute timer two to four times a day.  Even that is difficult for me most days.  The swirling of the world around me draws me in.  The religion I get stuck in tries to pull me away.  It says that my time would be better spent praying for someone or doing something.  But God has never failed to meet me in the silence.  He is never silent.  He has accomplished more in me and in my circumstances in two minutes than I have accomplished by fighting tooth and nail for months.  In taking an action of faith to believe that God is on the throne, I have experienced His reign.

Oh my dear friends, I wish this meant that I've arrived.  Instead it has only made the tax-collector's prayer more real to me, "Have mercy on me, a sinner."  In the presence of the One who is holier than I can comprehend, I find that I am more in need of His great mercy than I could understand.  And He gives it so freely.  And it is in that place of my being coming undone that the roar of heaven overtakes me.  The merciful, glorious roar that rises up to a King worthy of all praise and honor and glory.  The powerful roar coming from the Lion of Judah's lips that He allows me to share in, as His voice shakes the foundations of the earth, breaks off every chain, and rips open every grave.  The mercy of God alone permits me to share this wonder, because I fall so short so often from this magnificent call.  And before you say, well Rose, I know you and you're totally not there, let me say that I know that so much better than you will ever know.  Please share with me places where you've seen the goodness of God manifest in your life recently or share the desire of your heart to see Him in certain places in your life.

Oh the Humanity

Today I'm reflecting on the extreme grace and wisdom of God.  He knows when to come to us with humor, when to be what I would term harsh, when to be gentle and gracious.  He knows each situation is different and each individual unique and He speaks to each one individually as they can receive.  That's why I think the Lord knew what he was doing when He started speaking a phrase to me in December whenever someone did something rude, inconsiderate, or offensive, "Oh my gosh, it's almost like they're human!" or "Oh my gosh, they aren't perfect!"  The humor in it disarmed me every time and I had to chuckle.  It is as if in my mind I expect that no one else has a bad day and is just short on patience, or that we all have it all together, or even that other people should be perfect.  Lord knows I'm not.  I suppose that's why He started saying that to me. 

It's about how I look at people, not instantly equating what they are doing with who they are or making assumptions about their motives because of their actions.  It's about even when it's clear as day that the action was hurtful, making the conscious choice to admit that I don't know what led them to that action but I will release them from it; whether it was made from a place of hurt, frustration, exhaustion or malicious intent is not mine to decide any more nor should that weigh into my decision to forgive.

 

Prior to about a year or two ago I thought that I was a very non-judgmental person.  And in some ways I am.  I've heard people share some messy or dark things without batting an eye because the Lord has shown me that thing isn't who they are, even if that's where they are.  But still, I have notions in my mind about how things should be.  Some of those notions are even grounded in the realities of what is right and what is wrong.  But there is a place in me that is coming to understand the phrase: "First remove the log from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."  It doesn't negate that there's a speck.  It doesn't negate that when someone cuts me off in traffic in a way that jeopardizes both of our safety, it is wrong.  It simply means that instead of slamming on my horn and shouting "IDIOT!" in my head, I can give grace (and maybe a little love tap on my horn...okay, so I haven't mastered this one yet).

The crazy part of it all is that during the period of time that I've heard that phrase, "It's almost like they're human", deep places of bitterness that I've been working to dislodge have begun to shake.  Mercy truly does triumph over judgement. One of the other highlights to me was the other night, when I messed up (as I so often do), when the guilt of my failure was beginning to well up (as it often does), I heard that same hyperbole deep in my spirit: "Oh my gosh, it's almost like you're human!"  The tables had turned.  And as I had begun to show mercy to those who had/were wronging me, the Lord also invited me to show mercy to myself.

I wish I could say that I'm all the way "there" with this mercy thing but I'm not.  The beauty of it is that I don't have to be.  God never asked us to have it altogether.  In fact, the gospel is the story of how when we were at our darkest, our lowest, God loved us and paid the price for us anyway.  So I'm feeling pretty I'm excited for this next season.  I'm excited because I know that I don't have it all together.  I know that I'm more than a mere mortal through Christ (it's in the Word).  But I also know that God is still working in me to will and to work for His good pleasure.  And so I'm rejoicing in my weaknesses, because I know that through them God can make His power known (also in the Word).  Because y'all that know me know that I'm a mess without Him!  Thanks for being on this journey with me, until next time.

Peace!