For my first post-wedding blog, I think it is only fitting for me to talk about a lesson learned from marriage. You see, I haven't been willing to write for a while because I've felt like such a mess. For the past 5 months or so I've been slowly picking up the pieces of my heart that have fallen around me due to various circumstances and each time I can't help but wonder how I got to a place that circumstances could break me like that. I consider myself a strong person. I consider myself a grounded person. But the past two years have felt like a crushing weight to my soul. So much loss. So much fear. So much loneliness. So much that didn't go according to plan.
And then I got married. You see there's this little thing in marriage called proximity. If you get overwhelmed or peopled-out during the day, you still get to sleep next to a person. You're around this person 24/7, and the funny thing is you care about them so you don't really want to give them crap just because you feel like crap. The first few months we were married, I was about to be done with myself. I was trying so hard not to let all these negative emotions out on my husband and my feeble attempts failed. I tried to deal with everything at once; again fail. But little by little, day by day, my anguish was washing away. Each time, I saw where these hurts came from and I asked myself, how did it get so far? How did I fall like that?
And to be honest, I started to get a little scared. If I could fall like that once, what was to keep me from falling like that again? And to be honest, it could happen. But God is faithful to pick me up and brush me off and set me back on the path of righteousness. Along with that though, God spoke to me again one of the passages from our wedding vows, "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 ESV). I have found it a lot harder to fall now that I have Josh. First off, he calls me out when I have something against someone, and I may not acknowledge his call out at first but I do end up dealing with it. Second, it is a lot easier to tell when something in me is off when I'm constantly around another person and when isolation for the sake of isolation is so glaringly obvious. Third, I love Josh too much to let him take the brunt of my bad moods because I need to deal with something, so I just deal with it. Yes, it's a lot more work than I may have bargained for. But oh yes, two are definitely better than one!
And then I got married. You see there's this little thing in marriage called proximity. If you get overwhelmed or peopled-out during the day, you still get to sleep next to a person. You're around this person 24/7, and the funny thing is you care about them so you don't really want to give them crap just because you feel like crap. The first few months we were married, I was about to be done with myself. I was trying so hard not to let all these negative emotions out on my husband and my feeble attempts failed. I tried to deal with everything at once; again fail. But little by little, day by day, my anguish was washing away. Each time, I saw where these hurts came from and I asked myself, how did it get so far? How did I fall like that?
And to be honest, I started to get a little scared. If I could fall like that once, what was to keep me from falling like that again? And to be honest, it could happen. But God is faithful to pick me up and brush me off and set me back on the path of righteousness. Along with that though, God spoke to me again one of the passages from our wedding vows, "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 ESV). I have found it a lot harder to fall now that I have Josh. First off, he calls me out when I have something against someone, and I may not acknowledge his call out at first but I do end up dealing with it. Second, it is a lot easier to tell when something in me is off when I'm constantly around another person and when isolation for the sake of isolation is so glaringly obvious. Third, I love Josh too much to let him take the brunt of my bad moods because I need to deal with something, so I just deal with it. Yes, it's a lot more work than I may have bargained for. But oh yes, two are definitely better than one!
